Until we have peace, we will have pain. Consider any time you have lashed out at someone, or they have been mean to you. Pain was the likely catalyst, pain pushed outward (albeit unconsciously). That pain was given to another (hot potato!), and on and on! It's the opposite of "paying it forward" within our families, our companies, our communities, our world.
People who hurt others are typically in emotional or physical pain themselves. They may not be consciously TRYING to be mean or even understanding that there is a choice to behave otherwise. They do not have the tools, freedom, maturity, or perhaps the skills to even process, let alone heal their internal pain. They have no idea where their anger, depression, anxiety is rooted. It just IS.
Understanding what we are passing along as generational or cultural pain is important. We are here to change the script! Awareness = The Power of Choice = The Power to Change!
In writing for UNMUTED VOICES, a collaborative book project in the works, I've revisited many long-forgotten memories of grade school. My personal school bully stepped forward as an illustration for this blog.
One time, a couple of decades ago, while I was attending a high school reunion, my bully approached me. She was "gushing over me", telling me how much she always liked me and how nice I was. While we had been friendly in primary grades, she became a bully in junior high.
Standing face-to-face as adults, I felt flabbergasted by her discourse! "Thank you, but you were very mean to me in junior high school," I said very peacefully. The words sprung from me without a thought, I'm sure from that girl who had been so confused to have a friend turn on her. She paused for a moment, perhaps retracing her experiences.
"Yes, I can see that! I probably was mean, and I'm sorry. My dad was doing things to my sisters and to me and it was pretty bad ..." I don't remember the rest of the conversation, but I totally remember that soft moment of understanding and forgiving her rage! The encounter heralded a healing for both of us.
People respond in different ways to emotional pain. Most swallow it, others immediately push it forward (hot potato), and others still hold it until they can no longer contain it ... then they explode. We are getting to a STRONGER more balanced place in which women can speak and men can be soft. BRAVO! How do we heal the pain that's been created along the way?
Understand that when people are acting the LEAST LOVABLE they are most in need of our unCONDITIONal love. [That is: LOVE without the CONDITION that you behave, or do this, or don't do that, or do it MY way or are perfect!] This is not a "get out of jail FREE" card nor a permission to abuse others, it's a way for us to understand and heal ourselves in the presence of pain being garnished about.
Have compassion for others' pain and don't agree to carry it forward! Forgive them as you forgive yourself, for we have all walked in these shoes! This is not about muting our pain, it's about releasing it to find the "peace that passes understanding" beneath, beyond, through, in spite of the pain! "In TIME, all Truths will be known!" [Dear Eternal Spirit ... when you leave THIS BODY you will understand the why's ... you have TIME. Join me in the peace of PATIENCE.]
The more we can choose to respond from love, the more love we get to experience. In many cases, we can heal the pain easily once we see the beLIEf in unworthiness, separation, or fear that hides behind it. If you have pain that you don't know how to resolve or even identify it, please reach out for one-to-one work with me. I will help you release what no longer serves you and our highest good!
We change the world as and through ourselves. On first glance, this can seem like a heavy task; yet the load is light. We need only change the one we are here to BE. We need only show up as love, and love is at our center; it is our Source. Heal your pain rather than passing it forward! Compassion, forgiveness, generosity, stewardship, LOVE!
We don't know what we don't know until we know we don't know it! Now we do ... Pay it forward today! I would love to know if and how this has touched your soul xo
Kristi Borst, PhD
release that which no longer serves you ...
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