Don't Pass Along Your Pain; Forgiving the Bully

Until we have peace, we will have pain. Consider any time you have lashed out at someone, or they have been mean to you. Pain was the likely catalyst, pain pushed outward (albeit unconsciously). That pain was given to another (hot potato!), and on and on! It's the opposite of "paying it forward" within our families, our companies, our communities, our world.

People who hurt others are typically in emotional or physical pain themselves. They may not be consciously TRYING to be mean or even understanding that there is a choice to behave otherwise. They do not have the tools, freedom, maturity, or perhaps the skills to even process, let alone heal their internal pain. They have no idea where their anger, depression, anxiety is rooted. It just IS. 

Understanding what we are passing along as generational or cultural pain is important. We are here to change the script! Awareness = The Power of Choice = The Power to Change!

In writing for UNMUTED VOICES, a collaborative book project in the works, I've revisited many long-forgotten memories of grade school. My personal school bully stepped forward as an illustration for this blog.

Asking For What You Want and Need is Healthy

Generations, cultures, peoples who deny their children's needs do not create stronger adults.

This is not at all about blame. "Parenthood doesn't come with a manual" and some of those parenting guides of the 20th Century and before were not heart-based. I remember repeatedly hearing "spare the rod, spoil the child." Other "experts" told new parents to let the baby cry itself to sleep.

As adults, we either continue what we have learned, or we see what didn't work for us and we change! I am grateful that some of us have said, "that's not how I choose to parent. I'm going to respond to my baby when she cries and when she's hungry. I'm going to be a loving, supportive part of my child's life. My child's childhood is going to be a treasured time of innocence." 

I grew up without a voice and without choices. When my husband would take me on dates, early in our relationship (I was 18), I would feel so conflicted over my food choice(s). If I selected the shrimp entrée would it taste $2 better than a similar offering with chicken? A decade and a half later, we parented with a goal that our children knew how to assess their choices and even suggest alternatives.  E.g., "You cannot go to school in your flip flops because they don't protect your feet; but you can wear your sneakers, rain boots, dress shoes, etc. Seeing choices empowers change, growth, freedom!

I believe that we change the world through the only one we have control to change ... ourSELVES. Each one! We do not rise above our pasts when we repeat the obsolete programs and energies of dysfunction as parents of our own children.

Yet, we can bring harmony, backward and forward, when we provide a loving home/vibe for not only our children, but firstly WITHIN ourSELVES. We heal through love, but we can actually go a bit overboard when we aren't watching our energy. It's not too late; for many of us, this is a new thing. It's a GOOD THING to gain awareness of!

Taking a Stance AS and THROUGH LOVE

A beautiful teaching is found in the Native American Tale of the Two Wolves.

Until you see the whole picture you cannot see the whole picture. We literally cannot stand in the exact same place as another person, so we will never see from exactly the same perspective. 

Love and empathy will create positive change in our world; hate, aggression, fear just continue the cycles we are here to transform. We cannot force someone else to open their eyes to compassion and love by bombarding them with hate and condemnation. Sometimes our focus on what that other person is doing is just our own ego's way of avoiding OUR "inner work". We get so focused on "the crusade" that we forget the love that was in our hearts at its start. 

History will repeat itself until we find a different way to respond and treat one another.